Elk Grove bookstore provides a ‘third space’ where parents and children find connection

The Abridged version:

• A Seat at the Table Books in Elk Grove is more than just a bookstore; it’s also a community center of sorts where people of all ages are encouraged to be themselves and learn from others.
• Local parents of LGBTQ+ children share their experiences and explain why the business has been helpful as they navigate new challenges.
• A Sacramento State expert weighs in on the importance of providing spaces where children feel safe, seen and loved.

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When Emily Autenrieth opened A Seat at the Table Books in Elk Grove about five years ago, she wanted to create a safe space for people in the LGBTQ+ community. She identifies as gender queer and wanted a shop full of stories that represent the community — both in the books on the shelves and among the customers who come to connect.

What she didn’t know then is that her own life would also be represented among the stories in her bookstore. Autenrieth’s 11-year-old child, who was assigned female at birth, has been transitioning for the past year.

Autenrieth said she makes a habit of regularly checking in with her children about how they’re doing and feeling. About a year ago, she asked a question that might feel unfamiliar to many parents, but that had come from signs she was picking up on that led her to want to dig deeper: “Are you still feeling like a girl?” Autenrieth asked her child.

The answer was no.

By January, her child was using they/them pronouns and trying out different names. This past summer, he settled on a new one, and the family marked the moment with a celebration dinner while on vacation.

“I was on the journey with him,” Autenrieth said.

Autenrieth wants A Seat at the Table to help other families who might be on similar journeys.

Her bookstore and cafe acts as a “third space,” where people can be comfortable spending time away from work, school and home. The store offers a book selection curated with a cross-section of representation in mind, and hosts events for all ages, including a celebration of LatinX Heritage Month, a queer chess club with meetups, and other mixers for groups that may not have always historically been included. She also hosts events on what can be difficult topics, such as perimenopause and book bans.

Connecting with community

On a recent Sunday evening, a handful of local families gathered at A Seat at the Table for an event designed specifically for queer children and their parents. Younger children had a play area, while older kids worked on arts and crafts. In the middle was a community table for parents. 

One parent at the table is transgender and has a 6-year-old child who was assigned male at birth and now identifies as a girl. Another couple also brought their transgender child. The two couples even recognized each other from a recent campout for queer families.

Their conversation moved between typical parenting chatter and challenges their families are encountering that many others might not even consider.

One family described legally changing their child’s name to one more gender neutral, only to have the former name continue to appear in school and medical records. Another couple —  a trans father and his partner — described an uncomfortable meeting with an adult involved in their child’s after-school program who seemed so unsure how to interact with them that the person wouldn’t even make eye contact.

They also talked about safety, including last year when a man traveled more than 150 miles from Ukiah to Elk Grove and shouted Bible verses during a drag queen storytime event at A Seat at the Table.

Since then, members of Elk Grove United Methodist Church have stepped up to support the  bookstore’s frequent family events. The church considers itself a “reconciling” congregation, meaning it actively works to affirm LGBTQ+ people.

Volunteers from the church serve as greeters in the bookstore parking lot, welcoming families while watching for anyone who might disrupt an event.

Church member Dr. Sarah Louie, a family physician and mother of two kids who identify as queer, helps coordinate the relationship. Her family joined the church years before either of her children came out, specifically seeking a congregation that was affirming.

“I was trying to raise my (eldest) kid … to be a good human,” Louie said. “I didn’t even realize I was finding this place where she knew she could be herself.”

Encountering new concepts for some parents

Joanna Núñez, an assistant professor in the Department of Women’s and Gender Studies at Sacramento State, said research suggests that LGBTQ+ children and young adults may be more likely to disclose their identities when they believe they will be loved and supported. 

In some cases, these children feel they will have this love and support because their parents may already be connected to queer spaces or may themselves identify as members of the LGBTQ+ community.

“That’s not to say that heterosexual parents are not as likely to have a child who eventually identifies as LGBTQ,” Núñez said, “but that child may not feel as safe living their sexuality openly or sharing their identity with their parents.”

In that case, these parents could benefit from visiting places like A Seat at the Table where they can access resources and support. Cisgender and heterosexual parents are also among the families who come through the bookstore doors, Autenrieth said. For those parents, their child’s experience may be their first encounter with concepts like gender identity, nonbinary identities or changing pronouns.

Núñez’s advice is to listen. “Keep listening to your child, moving with them through their process of discovering themselves, and providing spaces where they feel safe, seen and loved,” she said.

‘It costs you nothing to be kind’

Louie has found herself learning, too. She said her children and their peers often have a vocabulary for gender and sexuality that far exceeds that of the adults around them. For parents new to any of this, she recommends starting somewhere simpler than mastering the terminology.

“I think for me, it’s just about curiosity and … learning,” she said. “At the end of the day, you don’t have to understand something to … understand that the safety of those kids is important. It costs you nothing to be kind.”

For Autenrieth, creating that environment and promoting kindness are the reasons A Seat at the Table exists — quite literally, for everyone to have a seat at the tables within her shop. Since first opening its doors in 2021, the bookstore has yet to turn a profit. But Autenrieth measures its value differently.

“I built this place because the community needed it,” she said. “As long as the community is better for it, it’s worth it.”